Comedically Inclined Couples Pillows

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"To be or not to be."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"The blow drier is broken."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"What fly?"

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"Yes, we did try to save our marriage. But, then he ran off with the marriage guidance counsellor."

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'