Comedically Inclined Folks Pillows

'Every time I stick my head above water, my life flashes before my eyes.'

"To be or not to be."

"Now you've seen the bust how about letting me see Naples?"

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"What fly?"

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'Achoo! I can't believe I'm allergic to sand. I bet this doesn't end well...'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

"Four out of five doctors recommend that you get up and get some exercise."

Man falling off bike at finish line.

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

You can't have everything darling, where would you put it?

The Big Nosh

'Blessed before 20/01/00'