Comedically Anxious Pillows

'Arnold is a little nervous about meeting you, dad.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

"What fly?"

'Good news hon' ! It's nothing serious! The doctor said it's just a simple case of Tennis Elbow!'

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

"He hates his six-monthly visits."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'Frank! Cut that out and get back to work!'

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

Pinocchio on a date: "Before this goes any further, you should know that I've got fungal rot."

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'