Comedically Anxious Pillows

'Arnold is a little nervous about meeting you, dad.'

"To be or not to be."

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"Any qualifications other than speaking the language."

'Well, that WAS an impressive string of obscenities, but I think I'll stick with the Hippocratic oath.'

"Now, now, relax. All you're gonna feel is a quick jab."

'Good news hon' ! It's nothing serious! The doctor said it's just a simple case of Tennis Elbow!'

"What fly?"

A question you don't want - "How many fingers am I holding up."

'Look, another Now Available store is opening! Maybe yo could get a job there. They seem to be opening stores all over town!'

"It's time to end the suffering."

'I'm beginning to see some change in you.'

"I am just going outside to find an NHS dentist and may be some time."

'We'll have a bed for you in a couple of days.'

The only way I can get through a nudist convention.

"5 second rule!"

"Enough medical mumbo jumbo, just give it to me straight, Doc-will I ever be able to play piano again?"

'Oh george dear, the landlord has raised the rent!' 'Has he? I can't!'

Clown Firing Squad.

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

"He hates his six-monthly visits."

"Well which do you think is more likely, your pillow is growing hair or you're losing yours?"

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'You're the one who called for a locksmith?'

'That's the last time I ask Janice to book the stripper for the office party.'

Devils in hell bang on the ceiling as the angels upstairs are being too noisy.

'Dr Phil sez, if I'm gittin' the milk for free, I should do the right thing and marry her!'

'No appointments are available for the next three months, but you can always call in to the doctor's talk show.'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupunture needles should go?"

'I've got it in pill form, but for really fast relief from panic attacks...'

'Frank! Cut that out and get back to work!'

'Aaaaaah! Kenny's fallen in! Don't make eye contact! Play dead, Kenny! Play dead!'