Comedic Stories Appreciator Pillows

"Gary's reputation as the hard man of the estate never recovered from friends finding out that his girlfriend called him 'snuggly bear'."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

Cow being force fed hormones and producing milk.

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

'Sorry'

"But honey. . . he's just not our kind!"

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

New, Improved Cat

Animal Olympics: 'What do you say next year we have some non-cheetah races?'

'Sometimes it's not a very good idea to be indecisive.'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

Self-Esteem Clinic.

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

"I've got pride but no shame."

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

"Who wants to go for walkies?"

'S**t!'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

Well there's something you don't see every day...

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'I told you a blowgun was a bad idea!'

Must you people always call during dinner? - Grim Reaper on the phone.

'On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how attached are you to the cat?'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

'Put the sword back in the stone right now, little girl, and we'll pretend this never happened.'

'I told you to be careful near my piercings, Gavin - they're not beer can ring pulls, you know!'

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

"Are you nuts? This is what I do."

"Do we have any candy?"

'Can we postpone this? I'm out of lighter fluid.'

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"