Comedic Tales Appreciator Pillows

Student with armload of money in front of class: 'I won't be finishing school. You see, I spend my lunch hours over at the casino ...'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

"You heading south again this summer?"

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

Once upon a time and a half. William Tell shot an apple on his son's head. Plink! Nice shot, Dad! Plunk!

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

Three Little Pigs in a Cyclone

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"

'On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how attached are you to the cat?'

Elvis going to the 'House of 1/4 pounders near the 'House of gingerbread'

Leon Uris.

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"Then one day he said, 'It's either me or the damned cat!'"

Student to teacher: 'If my paper is late it's because I'm waiting for the most current event.'

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

'If they let me take you home for christmas, I'll be able to unwrap you with the presents...'

"It's your husband from beyond. He says stop trying to 'Google' him."

'So, what have we learnt here? We do not have knife fights on the bouncy castle!'

'Oh... I was supposed to swallow the pill?!'

"When you said you were getting a pet to help you through the lockdown, I thought you meant a cat."

"He decided to write a travel book..."

A truck full of radioactive waste with no particular place to go...

Eight medieval characters from the Canterbury Tales.

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

Eskimo in Igloo

"I just can't do it without someone else yelling directions."