Ironic Tale Appreciator Pillows

Can't that dating service ever get it right?

'Give up smoking? Why?'

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"You've changed."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Chaos Theory - a butterfly flaps its wings...

'You're right. Our old safety files have become a safety concern.'

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."