Comedic Politicos Pillows

'I've heard that the English are demanding their own referendum with the slogan 'Good Riddance'.'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'You have a 9:00 A.M. appointment with your ophthalmologist to check your vision and a 11:00 A.M. appointment with the staff to rally the troops around your vision.'

Tree growing

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

'Wow! Can't you just feel the safe-ness!'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

"My primary challenge is to strip away the hardened carapace of societal expectations..."

"But, Senator, all the cool kids were doing it."

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

'You mean if I want extra money I have to go to work? That's your job, dad.'

"What's the big deal? All these politicians talk about a health care plan! I have a health care plan!"