Comedic Pessimists Gifts

"President Elect Donald Trump was killed today. . . when he was crushed under the wight of his own ego."

Forlornaments: Tools to drain individual and team spirit

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

'Satchel, life is like a can of tuna...'

Tom's last day.

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

Abstract art proves that things can be as bad as they look.

Whinge drinkers: 'Music is too loud as usual', 'You can never get a seat'.

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

"People wipe their feet on me all day long. I mean, really, what could possibly be worse than that?"

"If at first you don't succeed blame somebody."

'Look at that lunatic...'

Look at the bright side. The I.R.S. says obesity is a disease, so your office visits are tax deductible.

"If I was you...I wouldn't be worried about the future..."

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

A giant squid gets "Life Sucks" tattooed on its tentacles.

"Is this worse? Or is this worse?"

'I tend to look on the negative side of things. Do you guys do rose coloured glasses'

"First they make you button your own shirt, then they make you tie your own shoes...you gotta ask yourself ? where's this all heading?"

'The success goes to your head. The money goes to us.'

My problem isn't that the key to success is hard to find, it's that the key to failure is always left in the ignition.

The world may be my oyster, but I've never been able to pry it open.

'The bad news is the price of gas is going up. The good news is since I lost my job I've got nowhere to go anyway.'

'What do you want first - the bad news or the even worse news?'

The whine of the month selection - Why me?

"Waiter! My glass is half empty."

"Next time you hire a futurist, don't hire a good one."