Comedic Financiers Pillows

Rich man rubbing oil lamp to get ticker tape.

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

"You have $3,098 in the bank? I'm impressed! So...do you think about investing it?"

Sorry, Rudy, no way can I raise your pay to $15 an hour. Why not? 'Cause that would destroy jobs. What would you do for a job once I moved the caf

At The Clown Bank.

"So that's my presentation: Could I have 100 million for the startup?"

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."

"Tut! You've tapped in the wrong number again!"

"Johnson's selling ad space in the tunnel of light."

Invested pot of gold in the stock market.

'We finally found a way to break the deadlock in our negotiations. I'll need a deck of cards and some poker chips.'

"The pound is reaching parity with Liz Truss."

With Friends Like These

With more and more graduates defaulting on college loans, many loan companies have hired undercover hecklers!

No, thank you, I brought my own bag.

"What??? For that money I used to get at least a judge, a congressman, and a city councilman!!"

'Fortunately, I'm serving, concurrently, both my interest and principle.'

Searching for condom.

'That's our quilt edged investments sorted.'

'Hello, George? Yes, have you seen my husband? I'm guessing he's in-between the couch cushions again.'

" 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe fifty basis points."

"I'm thinking of investing. Do you invest?"

"What do you think of the new window display?" "It's the first time we've ever shown a prophet."

The immortal philosopher Murphy sets pen to paper...

'Need some money for a facelift, I presume?'

"How much were you thinking of spending?"

'I threw my old t-shirt out and bought this for two quid.' - 'The stitching has come loose so I want to get a refund... but the bus fare into town will cost more than the refund.' - 'Now I'm stuck in a logical loop... and I'm chilly.'

'I'm sorry dear, I'm going to live by myself, I need to economise!'

'How to profit from a financial meltdown.'

"What is it about me that makes people mistrust my investment advice?"