Comedic Educators T-Shirts

'For tonight's homework, download into your brain, chapters three and four.'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

Monkey Business College

They Removed my Brain.

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"

"You heading south again this summer?"

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

" 'How I Spent My Sabbatical,' by Professor Harvey Brinkman."

Tree growing

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

Vestibular Nerve: What it takes for a Vestibular System to wear paisleys with with pin stripes.

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

The college of my choice.

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

'I ran out of excuses. My teacher taught us how to back up our homework on our computers.'

"Any other educational qualifications besides Trump university?"