Comedic Calorie Counter Gifts

'This thing is stupid - I weigh just the same with my coat and boots OFF!'

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

Secretive Weigh In.

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

All Natural Nothing

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

Dieting Motivation.

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

'Diet considerations.'

Sisyphus Sawyer

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

'I'm sorry but I have to let you go, we're all drinking 2%.'

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'