Comedic Caffeine-free Gifts

Triple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. I am not your Uncle Mort. You know the doctors have said "no caffeine," Uncle Mort. I don't know what you're talking about. My name is Mr. Somewunneruther. "Mister Somewunneruther"? Yes. Of the Minnesota Somewunneruthers. We're a very old and respected family. We came over on the Sunflower. Mayflower!!! One gentle flower chamomile tea, coming up.

'They're right.polorized sunglasses do help you see better underwater.'

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

Cathy decides to remain standing on the scale until she loses weight.

'I havn't finished last years Marathon yet...'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Why Shirley hates to eat genetic modified Broccoli.

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

I've been on this green leafy diet for months...

'It's been so long since he's been on dry land.'

Searching for condom.

"Clean your wallet, sir?"

'Your fitness program really should include more exercise than just pushing yourself away from the table...'

'...You are on a waiting list to be ill.'

Golf Ball in Nest.

'Hello, George? Yes, have you seen my husband? I'm guessing he's in-between the couch cushions again.'

"I was gonna try yoga, but I don't actually bend so that's not going to work."

'That's not what I had in mind when I asked for some encouragement!'

Using a Snow Blower in Dorm Room.

'You forgot one of the essential facts of putting - the ball always breaks toward the water.'

"When the next lockdown comes, I might actually get on it."

'I shouldn't be much longer, hon, I'm putting on the 18th green right now.'

STRIP Old Caddy (colour)

'Shall we forget the ball and start to look for the golf course?'

"I like to mix up my exercise routine, usually with sitting on the sofa drinking beer!"

Decaffeinated section.

"That's a lovely tee-shot." - "Well, thank you, it matches my underpants."

Things my vacuum cleaner likes to suck up

Selecting teeth.. "I'll have those, please."

Grand Opening! I wish someone had told me those weren't for haircuts.

New Years Resolution.

'Calm down Harold, it's just a phase some teens go through. He just shaved his coloured feathers off to express his feminine side!'

'If I was a golf ball, I wouldn't do what you wanted me to do if you called me that either.'

'Al has vowed to climb the Food Pyramid...one mouthful at a time.'

'I wasn't in a bar!! I smell like smoke because I've been going down chimneys all flippin' night!'