Comedian On Mental Health Gifts

'I'm not obsessive compulsive. I just do some things obsessives do, and other things compulsives do.'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Psychobabbling brook.

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

"So, Michael, any pesticidal thoughts today?"

Psychobabble.

Bob's mother drove him crazy - but at least she came to visit.

"Therapist: Six couches no waiting"

Fakir Shrink.

"Every now and then, I get an overpowering urge to wear a cowbell."

Shrink's Summer Job

'Has the news finished yet?'

Are you getting enough "me" time, Al? Oh, more than enough, Doctor

"Westwood psychiatric group... How may I direct your cry for help?"

"I don't feel like I'm making any progress, it's like I'm just chasing my tail again."

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'Oh, Freud is too darn hard to read -- I switched to Dr. Phil years ago.'

'My therapist suggested I redirect my anger into landscaping and gardening!'

'Your case is extremely interesting...and I would like to get it produced...it will be a comedy.'

'Miss Caldwell, call security and send in the kleptomaniac.'

'Maybe all I really need is a hug.'

"You're not the first patient I've had who thinks he's a dog, Mr Buxton, so please, get up on the couch."

'It's paranoia, but a very benign form - he thinks Al Gore is out to get him.'

'Well - the layman's terminology for your condition is 'nutty as an acorn''

It's called Pagliacci therapy, Al. We're going to replace all of your petty little neuroses with one big, healthy, all-consuming fear of clowns.