Mental Health Humorists Gifts

'I get better results with a live elephant and an invisible fence.'

'Oh, Freud is too darn hard to read -- I switched to Dr. Phil years ago.'

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

"That's the one thing we flies cannot abide... closure."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

"Gesundheit!"

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

My Dream Valentine

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

"I thought you said I needed to get some 'extra size'."