Comedian In The Chair Pillows

'Hello, miss! I'm filling in while your regular dentist is on holiday. Sit down and take care not to crease your lovely dress!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

Moses on the web

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'My goodness,Ralph,let him have it.It's only a measly old meal worm.'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

In, Out, Shake it all about

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

The guy who got in on the ground floor

'Yes, my opinion today is the opposite of what I said yesterday. In my position, this is called 'flexibility', in your position, it would be called 'unreability''.

'Now boarding all passengers in the middle class.'

'Sorry sir, the 'No Steak and Lobster Jokes' sign just came on.'

Uprooted

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

'I'm just concerned that if we embrace change this one time, change might get the wrong idea and mistake it for some kind of long-term commitment!'

"I'm getting the hang of this wake up every morning, and do basically the same thing with different complaints until I die."

'He's in a meeting. Would you like to speak to his assistant?'

'I always said I was a lover, not a fighter, but that was before I got married.'

I don't like it when lawyers put coffee on my desk. Relax, judge. It's tequila.

"All in favour say 'ouch'."

"Looks like rain."

'Honey, you're talking in your sleep again!'

You Don't Know Me But I Work Across The Road.

"He should've passed the puck."

'I'm afraid we have to turn the life-support machine off. I want to use the plug to recharge my iPad.'

Items From the Jay Leno Fan Club

'Your job is to see that no one interrupts while I'm on a roll.'

I think you need to recuse yourself from this trial, your honor. I plan to flirt with this witness, and you're much too handsome to compete with.

"It's beautiful, but maybe we should ask the pilots to turn the heat up."

This P.C. has been porn free for 23 days

'Well we never did get a flu shot.'

'It's not for hunting. I just want to be able to protect my family from deer attacks.'

'O.K. Now say, Arrrghh!'

"PHEW!!"