Armchair Comedian Pillows

'Well we never did get a flu shot.'

'I always said I was a lover, not a fighter, but that was before I got married.'

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"'NRA member'?! Hm, can't find it...here it reads 'Armed and dangerous lunatic'..."

They hated me.

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Snowprov

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Optimist

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."