Armchair Humorist Pillows

'It's not for hunting. I just want to be able to protect my family from deer attacks.'

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

UK/US Free Trade Deal

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

No-Work Orange

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Trump! The Musical

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

Glance Exchange

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"