Armchair Humorist Pillows

'It's not for hunting. I just want to be able to protect my family from deer attacks.'

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

UK/US Free Trade Deal

They're Not Just That Into It

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

No-Work Orange

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Trump! The Musical

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"Quick, Lassie, go get I.T.!"

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

Glance Exchange

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"