College Recruitment Gifts

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Computer Science Class 10101010101.

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

'Another football scholarship offer?'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

Bribes for Jabs

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

'I really wanted to only take accounting courses, but my parents made me take this cartooning class so I would have something to fall back on.'

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

"Who's next?"

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

"Thanks for considering me for the job as head of cybersecurity, but I already hacked into your network and gave myself the job."