College Athletics Administrator Gifts

Major college athletics programs

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

'Our goal is to stress di-versity while remaining a uni-versity.'

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Have your parents sign this waiver concerning violations of personal space. . . then you guys can play tag."

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

'You have failed on all counts...'

"Fellas, I invited Max here to give us a fresh, millennial take on how to get out of the inning."

'I wanted to ask you about life-experience credit.'

Treadway college - A little knowledge, a lot of tuition.

"Trust me, you don't want this job."

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

"Congratulations. Please remember the college's financial plight. Congratulations. Please remember the college's financial plight. Congratulations. Please remember . . ."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'They sent me home from school because my lunch was out of compliance.'

'He's known as the hardest-driving track coach in the country.'

'What the... Oh, lucky me - it's just something easy to get rid of!'

Coach Prime Cleans House

'He's researching out-of-state kindergartens.'

Education Plan

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

'I suspected hackers when it accepted all the student scholarship applications.'

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

'You're being evacuated to a better catchment area.'

The Department Chairs react to the budget cuts.

"Buy stock in a college?...I don't think you can...but why would we?"