Cohabitation Comedian Gifts

'That's the thing when you start living with someone - you discover all of their little habits.'

"Oh! So this is where you hide all the blankets you steal from me every night!"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Turtle Trailer Court

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

No animals were harmed during the writing of this book report....

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"Next year we put the cats outside before we hibernate."

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

So … how did you two meet?

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"He was a rescue."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"Is there a problem officer?"

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"After two years of dating, we decided it was finally time to move in together."

'But you have your own drawer - what greater display of commitment could you want?'

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"When we agreed that you would move in, Mr. Goodrich, you didn't mention Rex."

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

The Eternal Consequence for Men Not Putting the Seat Down...