Cognitive Coach Gifts

"Today's special: Passwords"

'Shhh! He's trying to retrieve a mental note.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I hate performance review season."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

"My preferred pronoun is they."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Keeping all the balls in the air - skills

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

Between Offices

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I am dressed for the job I want."