Cognitive Coach Gifts

"Today's special: Passwords"

'Shhh! He's trying to retrieve a mental note.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I hate performance review season."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

"My preferred pronoun is they."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Keeping all the balls in the air - skills

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Between Offices

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'