Coach's Corner Cynic Gifts

'Good luck, kid. I trained at age 3, was traded twice by age 5 and I peaked at 7.'

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Hammer Thrower - "Let go of it!"

Targets

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'

'Team spirit, my ass.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."