Classic Tale Reimaginer Gifts

'Boy, down there.' 'Yes, Mr. Scrooge.' 'Tell the butcher...to cancel for goose. I just had a visit from the spirit of Veggie Future.'

Saint George and the Drag Queen

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

',,,And we'd really like a heart for the Tin Man,,,'

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

The hare and the tortoise - the rematch.

The truth about the expulsion from paradise. . .

My, grandma, what a big premium you have for a plan that doesn't cover getting eaten by a wolf.

"Skip to the part where the princess climbs to the top of the corporate ladder."

Every time I get a postcard from your brother, I regret that I carved him out of driftwood.

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

I was thinking about something more like a slogan.

Once upon a time and a half. William Tell shot an apple on his son's head. Plink! Nice shot, Dad! Plunk!

"My client would like to plead 'not guilty' to all three charges of damage to private property."

'Wind in the Willies' - 'It's an Andrew Davies version of the old classic.'

'Read me the one about the three homeless little pigs.'

"This giant, Jack, did he touch you in any way?"

"What if the dish and the spoon run away together?" "Not bad, Doug, not bad at all." "And a crockpot tries to lure the dish away with cash and loads of jewels!" "Come on, Rita! That's been done to death. Too derivative."

Revised Texts

Alice Through the Looking Glass - Alice and the Red Queen.

"Three pizzas: One too hot, one too cold, and one just right."

Hansel and Gretel, now microwavable.

"Jekyll, old man - I think you've made my wife's drink a bit too strong."

Alice in Badassland

Under New Management.

Wolf in bed.

Some things Alice did in wonderland have been glossed over.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll And Mister Softee

'Steer clear of the blow hole until we get to Sausalito.'

'Deep in the woods, the children came upon the most wondrous sight.'

'Yeah, I knew Dumpty, I let him take a fall for me, I thought he was hardboiled.'

Jack and Jill

'We have an air guitar to go with it, Sire.'