Claims Officer Gifts

'I'm sorry, sir, but your insurance policy clearly states we don't cover acts of God.'

UK border controls relaxed.

Collies Without Borders

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"I didn't see the coffee table in the middle of the room, due to my visual impairment, caused by the rubbish light emitted by the government approved 150 watt energy saving bulb in my apartment..."

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

Madoff and devil.

A pocket of pygmies - "Have you anything to declare sir?"

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"His name? It's 'Reggie the Drug-Sniffing Dog.'"

'Anything to declare?'

A convict escaping during the press scrum

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

"It's marzipan pigs."

Exposed and imprisoned.

'She's promised to wait for me but I only hope her memory isn't what it was!'

Visitation Day at the Bug Jar

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

'Since you're wearing cargo pants, everything in your pockets is considered cargo and subject to a tariff.'

"According to the insurance company, you don't have a leg to stand on."

HM Customs and Excise - 'One of the few things you can see from space is the great wall of Chinese imports.'

"And when my head hits the dashboard, I want you to pass me a compensation claim form."

Crime rates drop 40% after prison uniforms are changed to neon pink floral patterns.

'What's a cubic foot?' - 'Whatever it is claim compensation.'

'Welcome to America'

"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

Why used clothing should be declared a dangerous weapon...

"Are you carrying any food, plants or dangerous ideas about a more equitable health care system?"

"I can't say I'm wild about these open prisons."