Claim Comedian Gifts

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

Gary turns 40.

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

Various Traps.

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"Three more classes and I get my belt."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

'Quick! 'Tushy to the ground' stance!'

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

'Is this a trick question?'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'As a patient I'm glad because the doctor cured me. As a lawyer I'm sad because there's no reason to sue that guy.'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'How bad is it?'

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

'Timeout! ... Coaching change.'