Claim Comedian T-Shirts

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

Gary turns 40.

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Various Traps.

'Either you say 'I do' or you don't -- You can't plead nolo contendere.'

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"Three more classes and I get my belt."

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'I don't like to complain, Evelyn, but aren't these family reunions getting out of hand?'

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

"Honey, it’s no use. We’ve done everything to try to save the divorce — I think we’re going to have to stay married."

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

"It's getting serious - he left his stuff."

"Sure, I love you, but I can't stand to be hurt again."

"Of course under your new contract the requirement for you to provide 24 hour cover is optional...you could also opt for 36 or 48 hours!"

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

"Do you promise to love and be faithful to each other for the next 28 days and then see where it goes from there?"

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'My client is fine with the nuptial agreement except for section 7a, non parole period!'

'As a patient I'm glad because the doctor cured me. As a lawyer I'm sad because there's no reason to sue that guy.'

'Is this a trick question?'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'Timeout! ... Coaching change.'

'Quick! 'Tushy to the ground' stance!'

'How bad is it?'

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed."