Churchgoers With A Laugh Pillows

Sunday morning greeters, the #1 cause for social anxiety in the church.

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'I always thought that church mouse thing was just a figure of speech.'

"His sermon last Sunday, 'The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth,' had them rolling in the aisles."

Minister's File

A virtue of vicars

"Reading the Sunday Funnies 'religiously' does not count as worship."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

Church: 'We reserve the right to refuse salvation to anyone.'

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"Please rise."

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

Church Open 51 Sundays Per Year, Closed Superbowl Sunday