Church Donation Events Pillows

"How bout ya slip a $20 in there for me too.".." (man talking to another about the church offering plate)

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

Verger Works

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"That's our new church mascot."

Monk Prompt

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Baptism Then and Now

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

R.C.I.A.

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

A woman in prayer