Christmas Greenkeeper Gifts

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Sorry, Rudolph, but the production on electric reindeers and their batteries gives work to thousands of children while you destroy the climate with your farts."

"Think of global warming! The temperatures will raise by two degrees within the next 100 years! We've got to buy swimming trunks, t-shirts and sun tan for the baby!"

EARTH DAY. Whatever.

You wait until the polar icecaps melt my friend then we will see who is laughing!

'There's a bee here from the Food and Drug Administration who wants to inspect the hive.'

The night of the return

'...My tree! - No my tree!!'

'You're right, I am not a native: My ancestors came to this country with the Conquistadors...'

Be prepared to issue a public whoopsie.

Bird Green Peace

"This year, no coal for the bad guys!"

Boxing Day

Son et lumiere - "Just checking..."

Nutcracker

"Tell the creche they can call off the search...."

'Let's face it, every day is Christmas Day for us!'

"Well, goodbye old friend. You were always there for me, obedient and loyal... The best husband I've ever had..."

"So what's this then? Old or sick?"

'Oh, that reminds me. And the polar ice caps: I want them to stop melting.'

I'm trying to keep the Christmas spirit all year.

Bert always found plenty of rubbish for his compost bin

Dear Santa i hope youre well in these Most uncertain times...

'I wish she wouldn't tend here roses so much: There are no aphids to eat...'

'Transportation without pollution! I love a guy that's concerned about vehicle emissions.'

When Shove Comes To Push

"He claims he had no idea this was a much-loved animal."

'We would consider a loan under these conditions: more efficient sleighs, lower reindeer emissions, no outsourcing to foreign elves.'

Play it forward, hug a tree...

'Sports teams play year round, so we decided to do the same for Christmas.'

Boxer

'And in the red corner, still carrying a little Christmas weight...'