Christmas Curmudgeon Gifts

The Post Of Christmas Present

Returns. Simon is a true pessimist.

"Have you got anything for a miserable old bastard who hates Christmas and everything to do with it?"

'I see your Alan's got his Christmas face on again.'

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

Holiday Overkill.

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

"When is it my turn?"

I hope Bernie Sanders wins. We've never had a president like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents

'We'd like to speak with you about your coal policy.'

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

Uncle Murray Weekly

Even Santa outsources

I HATE STUFF

Mall Directory asks, Where's your Christmas Spirit.

'He sees me when I'm sleeping, he knows when I'm awake...'

Victorian Children's Party

Christmas tree for runners.

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

'I'm not here!'

"Working with the elderly can be challenging... They can be bad tempered and curmudgeonly. I never ask him for anything until he's had his nap!"

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I'm 66 years old: and I going to be as crabby as you? - Rolf. *Actual reader letter. Rolf, this is really a sad, unfortunate letter. It seems unlikely you can ever achieve any reasonable level of crabby if you're the kind of loser to send such a whiny question. Great crabs are born, not made! Guy probably won't even make a decent curmudgeon. Not sure that's what he's hoping for.

'Mr. Humbug'

"Even your sleep is curmudgeonly."

'Sunnyside down.'

"My client seeks damages incurred as a direct result of your interpretation of what constitutes naughty or nice."

'Society of hermits'

'You're Steve from menswear. I read it on wikileaks.'

"Another p**s and vinegar?"

"Working with older people is part of the job!"