Christmas Conspiracy Theorist Pillows

"If Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake...is he with the CIA?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'I hate all holidays!'

"We can do it on the net now... so it's off to the knackery for you."

He Sees You When You're Sleeping

"Make it look like nine accidents.'

"I told the carol singers where to go in no uncertain terms, so that's saved us some money!"

Cat scratch fever

Santa's elevator

'Watch her, she's a whistle blower!'

'About this patriarchal middle-class morality of yours....'

"It was never about the presents - it's about the power."

'Don't try to kid me - that whole Rudolph thing is just a publicity stunt, isn't it?'

'Frankly, I don't know what to believe. They say if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.'

'... But, if he knows when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake, isn't that an infringement of my right to privacy?'

"Just another silly programme this Christmas."

'Santa is real, but I can't decide if he is the New Black or 50 Shades of Grey!'

Chimney-Greasing Santa

'For the last time...turn that light off and go to sleep!'

"There are more things I'm ungrateful than grateful for. Why can't we have a holiday for that?"

'Dad, cut out the middle man, Santa and get me the toys from behind the wardrobe.'

'I've been thinking about this whole Santa thing.'

Christmas Sale Special

Baaa...humbug.

Naughty Or Nice? Didn't You Read My Blog, 'Playing By The Rules Is For Dummies?'

'This whole 'grandparent' thing -- it's our parents and children conspiring against us!'

"Bearing in mind that Santa has fact checkers, have you been a good little boy?"

"Bah, humbug! It's not just for Christmas anymore."

'Don't try to kid me - that whole Rudolph thing is just a publicity stunt, isn't it?'

"I want to believe in Santa Claus, but it's tough in this post-fact, fake news era."

The Grinch Who Stole ?

"Looks like we won't be needing you this year...we got our own gifts!"

Wallowing in elf pity...

Santa Claus does not exist - Satan