Christmas Comedy Collectors Gifts

'Sorry kids...no ponies or guns this year. My liability insurance doesn't cover me in delivering that stuff!'

Occu-Pie Mars

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Build your very own conflict of interest!

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Banana Split...

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

'You and your 'Rescue the Reindeer' campaign!'

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"A GPS! Thanks guys! It's exactly what I need to guide my sleigh...you know, in light of that unfortunate hunting accident."

Tourists and their Pets.

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"The Eggsorcist"

E-Baying @ The Moon

'Big sale at the Dog Store. Buy 1, get 2 free.'

'Rover isn't any good at catching frisbees. You've heard of stone hands?...he's got a stone mouth.'

Turtle Hat

Snowmobull

Filet minion

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Crushing empty beer cans is for wimps.'

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

A trevor of trainspotters

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

"Whose the new guy?"

"Yes, if that towel weighs 25 lbs that would explain the reading."

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

Rent a Room With Hot Water

The embarrassment of mistaking a salon for a saloon.

'ANYTHING to get down the ruddy boozer!'

An Extraordinary Pointer

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"