Childproof Champ Gifts

'So it's a deal - I'll reinitialize your hard drive and you remove this child-proof cap.'

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

'She hasn't advanced to figure eights yet.'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

Camping holidays in the British summer.

The First Day Back

"It's childhood. Your child has childhood."

'I know that's what your father calls it, Sweetheart...but a nicer word for it is fertilizer!'

"I can always tell when the kids go back to school. Everyone is so happy and relaxed."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Monkey casino study.

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

'Every single piece of homework handed in this morning - there couldn't have been much on TV last night!'

"Honey, your head's through the armhole again."

Father's Day

"I'm a stay-at-home mom without kids."

"Before we begin the hymn of thanksgiving, I'd like each of you mothers to take a moment to count her little blessings."

"Leftover seeds."

Little schoolboy enjoys picking his nose.

'Dad put that sign there to keep tabs on my driving!'

'I'll see the ones with the clean underwear first.'

"Careful...she bites."

"Brad? This is your congressman. Get Mommy on the phone, please."

"Before this goes any farther, you should know that I have kids, and I'm old, and I live in a shoe."

'In the old days we used charcoal. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'

Moral Ambiguity

'It's amazing what they let that kid get away with.'

Poker Moms

'Hey, I just noticed something. So you know what you get if you cover the 'c' in potato chips? Potato hips, isn't that funny?'

Look, I just prescribe the stuff. I can't tell you how to open the bottles.

Lollipop lady

'Boy, I'm glad I've met you: It is so hard to find a partner who, like me, doesn't want children...'

'Clarence, it's always an inspiration to see you playing with pain.'