Childhood Rites Of Passage Gifts

'If it works, Andy, you can expect a visit from the skin fairy tonight, ready?'

"Maybe he's so sad that he's leaving us to go to college that he actually looks happy. Please don't ruin it for me with reality."

'You know they've reached puberty when they're more interested in Dr. Ruth than Babe Ruth.'

'...that 12th piece of fudge I ate must have been bad.'

"Today, son, you are a man."

'Before I undertake my journey, I require you to make me a warrior's headband.'

'Son, it's time we had a little talk about the Byrds and the Beatles.'

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

Beer Van and Ice Cream Van

'I'm so glad this bedtime story comes in audio.'

'Son, you're old enough now to know, there's no such thing as Christmas.'

'Your life will being when all of your kids are married and the dog dies.'

Holy Relics.

Time for bed

'Son, isn't it about time you went out and conquered a country of your own?'

Confirmation of Westminster School Boys at the Abbey

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

"Now in the second law of thermodynamics..."

The family tradition lives on: I won the Long Jump and the Triple Jump events...

"This ham bone did not have much meat on it by the time I met it, but it tasted of meat, and for that I am eternally grateful."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"Well, if not now, can I have a man cave after I reach puberty?"

"Well, Josh, it's time you learnt about the birds and the bees..."

"Okay. You have two choices. Jump - and discover the joy of flight. . ."

All Metamorphosed And No Place To Go.

"Dad, tell me about the birds and the bees and safeguards."

"We begin tonight with breaking news. LIFE has given a local teenager a rude awakening."

'Bless me, Father - I'm a father.'

"I know all about the birds and bees, but what's all this about 'erectile dysfunction?'"

"You don't need to tell me about the birds and the bees. I just Googled it."

Regrettable names which probably seemed like a good idea at the time - Rainbow Moon-Child, Anarchy Scum Bag, Freemarket Share-Option, Tony.

"He's growing up too fast. Instead of hearing a fairytale, he wants to know about rights in the workplace."

"Mom, how many more years until I reach that awkward age?"

"Those are the facts of life as you see them? That there are no superheroes, Santa Claus isn't real, there is no Giant Bunny who delivers Easter eggs, and the government lies to us?"

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.