Child Who Listens To Parents Gifts

"You're applying for this job because your mother told you to. Well, I guess that's a good thing in a compliance officer."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

'Dad, what is peace?'

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"I didn't know you could do worse than an F. When did they start handing out poop emojis?"

"Oh come now, darling. When I was your age, I felt different, too."

'It's all right with me if you go out, but you'll have to file a flight plan with your father.'

Boy has swallowed marbles thinking they are sweets

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

'If you shoot your foot off don't coming running to me.'

'Did the nasty man hurt you?'

Travelling with child sketchbook - finale

"Daddy's still up - I can see him loading his shotgun."

"It's the whole kindergarten thing, Mom. I'm alone in there, swimming with the sharks."

"My mom says you can sleep on the top bunk if your parents will sign a release form."

Teaching kids to count is fine - teaching kids what counts is best.

A breastfeeding child learns music

"How soon can I start her on fad diets?"

'You know, I think the kid's actually improving!' (dog is playing the violin).

'Are you happy, dad? I'm good on reading! I can read fish dealers' websites... your credit card number...'

'So you're the boy who wants to be a health and safety officer.'

'I never played baseball, football or soccer. . . I grew up in the 'concussion era'.'

Happy Fourth of July!

Parent-Teacher Conferences: 'The bad news is your son failed every test I gave this term. The good news is that we know he's not abusing any mind-expanding drugs.'

'Right that covers nutritional theory in the socio-economic context of class structure in a Eurocentric racist and homophobic culture. Now if one of you could take a tit out we'll do a practical...'

"I know sex is no longer a taboo subject. I just don't feel like discussing it all the time, that's all."

'And that's it in a nutshell son... any questions?'

"Of course I have eyes on the back of my head, I'm your mother."

"Mom, is this lunch supplying me with the recommended daily allowance of microplastics?"

Uncertain Future

'How will all this fiscal cliff and debt ceiling stuff affect my allowance?'

"I just hope that's not our babysitter..."

'Won't it b e great when we're old enough to read?'