Chemical Conversationalist Pillows

"It's not the heat or humidity. It's the sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, non-methane hydrocarbons and sulfuric acid mist."

"You're very lucky that gazelle gives me diarrhea."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Dunno...they all look the same to me..."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"If a tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it.".... "Then your illegal logging business is a success."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

A lesson in wit

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."