Chemical Conversationalist T-Shirts

"It's not the heat or humidity. It's the sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, non-methane hydrocarbons and sulfuric acid mist."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

"You're very lucky that gazelle gives me diarrhea."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"Dunno...they all look the same to me..."

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Tomorrow's our first eco club meeting. Yeah, I'm nervous! There are so many big issues!

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

'It wasn't so much a hostile takeover as it was a best 2 out of 3 pillow fight.'

"If a tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it.".... "Then your illegal logging business is a success."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

Mobile Phones, "Now we are together we will proceed to the business of the day."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

A lesson in wit

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Person talks on phone as other blogs.

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'