Chatty Matchmaker Pillows

'The closest thing we've got is a beautician from Cleveland who says she enjoys small talk.'

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

'Sir, you wanted an affectionate date capable of long term friendship...you said nothing about being allergic to fleas.'

They knew they were made for each other when their eyes met from across the room at the Same Socks Bar,

"I don' want another weather forcaster - they're too unpredictable."

"Men just won't leave me alone!"

Acme Dating Service

"...and if anyone here suspects that the algorithm that put these two together might be flawed, speak now..."

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

'Top is right! He's a scaffolder working on a tower block'

"'Single'? With this kind of income? Oh, have I got a dependant for you!"

Match maker

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"Of all the finger-painting classes in all the day-care centers in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

Sidekick speed matching service.

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

'Okay, this time we'll try for someone with a really good sense of humour.'

'Are you fit, attractive male...?'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

"I don't believe you can't get close to anyone, Mr Jones. Get back over your own side."

'Mandy is playing cupid again!'

"The preacher's wife needs a new hobby."