Chatty Matchmaker Pillows

'The closest thing we've got is a beautician from Cleveland who says she enjoys small talk.'

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"Have you tried carbon dating?"

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"When the dating agency said you were full of beans..."

'Sir, you wanted an affectionate date capable of long term friendship...you said nothing about being allergic to fleas.'

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

They knew they were made for each other when their eyes met from across the room at the Same Socks Bar,

"I don' want another weather forcaster - they're too unpredictable."

Acme Dating Service

"Men just won't leave me alone!"

"...and if anyone here suspects that the algorithm that put these two together might be flawed, speak now..."

"'Single'? With this kind of income? Oh, have I got a dependant for you!"

Match maker

'Top is right! He's a scaffolder working on a tower block'

"AI can now scan dating sites and find your best match."

"Of all the finger-painting classes in all the day-care centers in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

"Ironically, I think I'm experiencing job burn out!"

Sidekick speed matching service.

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

Body language interpreters - "He likes you and wishes to dance with you." "That's a get lost."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

'Okay, this time we'll try for someone with a really good sense of humour.'

"I don't believe you can't get close to anyone, Mr Jones. Get back over your own side."

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

'Mandy is playing cupid again!'

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

'I'm afraid we don't have any gentlemen on hand right now -- how about a good old boy?'

"The preacher's wife needs a new hobby."