Chaos Gardener T-Shirts

Gardener's Calendar: Keep an eye open for pests

'I SAID you'd threatened to throw them out once too often!'

'I'll just have time to finish the yard before the next bombing run begins.'

"I got you some flowers..watered them, too.".

Gardener clipping topiary stairs

An Unexpected Guest.

"Maureen Alsop is leaving her magnolia, and her delphinium and her cats with us this weekend."

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

'The attendant is very good. I tip him the occasional sparrow.'

'Hey, everyone! I think I found the bottleneck!'

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"Hold on a second, Bob. I'm putting you on a stickie."

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

'I suppose an explanation is in order?'

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

The Phantom Of The Garden

'It says right here on the package, Ed, 'avoid any direct contact with skin'!'

'We've moved some fussy people, but she tops it!'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'Ah, now's there's something different....'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

Stockwell's day

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

'I'm in the amusingly shaped vegetables department.'

Caution: use only under child supervison

"I'm making a list of everything we have to do before we go away so we can freak out in some kind of order."

Women pay for one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

I'm going for former flower children. Tree's Tree Nursery. Legal pot. Legal grass. Festuca. Carex. Miscanthus.

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

Turn Down For What.

I see the Boris moon arising. . .

'What do you think of the new Mars Mover I just ordered from The Whole Mars Catalogue?'

"Yeah, our garden is always a mess: We can't stop ourselves foraging for worms..."

Man falls through ceiling - 'Did you find the leak?'