Cellmate Storyteller Gifts

"I was caught by the VAT man."

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

'Wait a minute! What if this isn't just a puddle?! What if it's a huge, furious hibernating snowman?'

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

'How about having at least one character who's alive and wearing clothes?'

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

"A homeless person ate my homework."

Mother changing the words to 'this little piggy' to be more healthy

"Start with a Spanish doubloon. Those are always good."

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

"Whoops - I Accidentally Pressed 'Elevator Pitch.'"

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

Sun and the Moon step out.

"This X-Ray proves conclusively that you don't have a book in you."

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'Have you ever thought about doing a children's book?'

Crafty Beer: "I'm making a scrapbook of when you were still fermenting."

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

'Who else have I written for? Ridge Park Avenue, 7th Street, Elm Road, Thornwood Drive...'

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'