Cellmate Storyteller Pillows

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"Will you stop telling me to feed the Zebras? We just ate the zebras!"

'Wait a minute! What if this isn't just a puddle?! What if it's a huge, furious hibernating snowman?'

'For God's sake give me some angst, how will I ever write a misery memoir?'

'It was a dark and stormy night. Also, there was a Catch-22.'

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Start with a Spanish doubloon. Those are always good."

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

"A homeless person ate my homework."

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

Old Joe was determined to reach the summit as he'd left his false teeth up there last week!

"‘How I Spent My Summer Vacation in a Freaking Gymnastics Camp and Nearly Broke My Neck,’ by Delia McConnell."

Mother changing the words to 'this little piggy' to be more healthy

"Whoops - I Accidentally Pressed 'Elevator Pitch.'"

'This is okay, but my ambition is to be an automatic teller.'

Sun and the Moon step out.

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's is the fairest arse of all?'

Crafty Beer: "I'm making a scrapbook of when you were still fermenting."

"This X-Ray proves conclusively that you don't have a book in you."

'Have you ever thought about doing a children's book?'

'Who else have I written for? Ridge Park Avenue, 7th Street, Elm Road, Thornwood Drive...'

Andy's first airplane experience was marred by his grandmother's stinginess

'These, you realize, are just the high points....'

'It's a reinterpretation of the 'Christmas Carol'...but with a 'Vampire vs Werewolf' contemporary take on the story.'