Cell Phone Observer Pillows

'I don't have a cell phone to look at, so I go to the mall and look at people looking at their cell phones.'

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

Rapunzcow

Big Brother watching you watch Big Brother

'racism is the new black.'

Holding the Line Against Terrorists with Midrange IQs

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I'm more of an 'I like to watch' dog."

John Kerry making a speak: 'What'd he say?'

"He's into binge fetching."

None O' Your Larks

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

'Hey, bro, take a load off.'

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

Oculist.

"Oh, Maria — so many eggs!"

"It's not what you do, it's what people see that counts"

'I've always found the stars disappointingly small.'

Regional manager Dan Blunquist introduces a disgruntled employee to his new open-door policy.

"I was called, I was chosen - I was sacked."

'Is your holiday really necessary ?...Your company first!'

"Can't these people read? I put a sign saying 'No Solicitors' on my website, and I'm still getting spam."

"I'm sick of Mr. Rod complaining about me behind my back...especially when he does it right to my face!"

'They do have a dog next door but I've been assured he doesn't bark.'

Welcome to New York City: Restrooms for customers only.

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

"Level with me, guys. Do any of you really understand what I'm saying, or is this just Male Pride Nodding Reflex?"

'Being finicky has nothing to do with taste - it's about power and control.'

Woman says cat is a great mouser.

Now They're Killing Themselves

"Doctor, I just can't keep anything to myself..."

Laughing Hyenas