Speaker Observer Pillows

John Kerry making a speak: 'What'd he say?'

"Say, when did you get so fluff?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'Something has spooked the prairie dogs.'

"Of course I attend the meetings but I'm more of a lurker,"

Giant screen displays conference delegates and not the speaker.

"I'm more of an 'I like to watch' dog."

Holiday Overkill.

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

"You didn't post anything on social media today. So, the church sent someone over to witness miracle."

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

The whole ambience of the research trip was ruined by Harold's squeaky boots!

Wrong note.

'It's quiet... Too quiet.'

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"Good lord! Four of my dearest Facebook friends died last week!"

If a tweet is sent out and no one signs up to read it, does it exist? Happens millions of times a day.

'Serves me right for frowning.'

Oculist.

"I think I'm going to fall! Will one of you please make a note of the sound in case anyone every asks?"

'I can't believe it. Wagner just must be better than he sounds!'

Suicide by overeating.

"It's 6 o'clock. Do you know what's trending now?"

It was a tough case. Plenty of witnesses, but no one was talking.

Introvert Career Faire.

'I hope it's a quick knockout, I'm double parked.'

'I don't have a cell phone to look at, so I go to the mall and look at people looking at their cell phones.'

Modeste Mussorgsky.

The Princess and the Particle

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

'You've heard of a couch potato? Well he's a mouse potato.'

'Being finicky has nothing to do with taste - it's about power and control.'