Speaker Observer Pillows

John Kerry making a speak: 'What'd he say?'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'Something has spooked the prairie dogs.'

"Of course I attend the meetings but I'm more of a lurker,"

Giant screen displays conference delegates and not the speaker.

"I'm more of an 'I like to watch' dog."

"You didn't post anything on social media today. So, the church sent someone over to witness miracle."

The whole ambience of the research trip was ruined by Harold's squeaky boots!

Wrong note.

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

Holiday Overkill.

Little guy using telescope to see past a big guy blocking his view in the crowd,

'Serves me right for frowning.'

Oculist.

'It's quiet... Too quiet.'

"Good lord! Four of my dearest Facebook friends died last week!"

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

"I think I'm going to fall! Will one of you please make a note of the sound in case anyone every asks?"

'I can't believe it. Wagner just must be better than he sounds!'

"It's 6 o'clock. Do you know what's trending now?"

Suicide by overeating.

It was a tough case. Plenty of witnesses, but no one was talking.

Introvert Career Faire.

'I hope it's a quick knockout, I'm double parked.'

Modeste Mussorgsky.

The Princess and the Particle

'I don't have a cell phone to look at, so I go to the mall and look at people looking at their cell phones.'

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

'Being finicky has nothing to do with taste - it's about power and control.'

'You've heard of a couch potato? Well he's a mouse potato.'

Woman says cat is a great mouser.