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Meanwhile in Hollywood

Tom Hanks

Hollywood Breakup

"I'd leave Redford for George Clooney in a hartbeat."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

“So let me get this straight: George Clooney isn’t your leader?”

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"

Weditorials

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'

'That's right...his appendix...and it's pure dynamite! Don't you see? It'll be the ultimate insider celebrity memoir!'

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

Walken On Clouds

'Welcome to Reputation Makeover! Tonight, my team and I will try to repair the tattered reputations of those appearing on other reality shows!'

Sammi and her 'partner' decide to have their child baptized at a Suuuuper-inclusive church

'We know you are a serious actress..'

'This has been a Chris Wallace special report -- we now switch you back to Mike Wallace....'

'There are facts,there are factoids, and there are just plain fun facts.'

'My degree is in journalism but with a major emphasis in celebrity gossip.'

Sunny and Chair

"You won't find Miss Miriam Hirschman an easy nut to crack, Mr. Leno."