Celebrity Roaster Gifts

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

'I hope you like this, dear. I got the recipe from Gordon Ramses, latest cookery hieroglyphics.'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Jack Gleeson

'See? You call my look 'a midlife crisis' but for these guys it's a major TV series.'

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

The Life and Times of Miley Cyrus

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

Vanna White: The Later Years.

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

Tom Hanks

George Clooney Machine

Joe Henry

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'Don't you know who I am?...I've decided to pursue a career as a celebrity, so I'm developing the basic language skills used in the industry.'

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Prepare yourself, America. Dancing with the Stars is poised to present a new 12-week competition. And you'll never guess who's dancing now! Listen to the passion and fight in our newest celebrity dancer

How I met your mother

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

"Is Madonna amazing or what? She sings, dances, and acts, and now it turns out she's a writer, too."

Danae's Celebrity Career: 'I don't know where to begin in deciding what I want to be when I grow up...I want people to shut and leave me alone, and I need lots of attention, so...'

John Stride

"Once again, the epicenter seems to be Christian Slater."