Celebrity Obsessed Pillows

"I'm very proud. Someone I've been stalking has been nominated for an Academy Award."

If that's for me, I'm here, technically, although in my mind I'm on a beach in the Bahamas with Jennifer Lawrence. Ring.

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Little Red Riding Carpet

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

George Clooney Machine

Leo McKern

"You're wasting your time, I'll never understand which one is Liam Hemsworth and which one is Chris Hemsworth."

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

Ringo Starr

'It's one of the candidates for baptism. Wants to know if he can hold the hand that shook Elvis's hand above the water.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

Bette Midler

Justin Timberlake

Amanda Seyfried

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

Wayne and Kerry created a joint name like their idols Brangelina and Tomkat.

'Man, I'm age 21 now and so far, I haven't done anything important. Things can't go on like this or I will have to forget my plan to become rich and famous by writing my autobiography at age 35!'

"An appointment? Let's see... She could fit you in before breakfast TV, or after lunch on Radio Two, or between Radio Four afternoon and the Drive Home SHow..."

Meryl Streep

Stephen Fry

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

Viggo Mortensen

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

Madonna's London stage debut.

"It's finally happened - Tom Hanks was in every movie this year."

"It's our latest celebrity scent, it's called Elon Musk. It smells like money!"

'I'm Anna Nicole Smith. But not THE Anna Nicole Smith!'

"I didn't mean anything by it. I don't know why I said it. I just said it, that's all. Twiggy."

TV-Mirror.

"I don't know what that is, either - it could be the Olsen twins."