Catfish Conqueror Gifts

'Record or not, throw it back.'

"As night falls, You return to claim what isn't yours. . . come at me, sea devil!!!"

"Go ahead. Click on 'I Am Not A Robot.' I dare you."

'I am not a robot.'

'Rubbing it no longer produces a genie. Now you need a username, password and an unreadable CAPTCHA.'

"Thanks for the offer... but I'd rather see if tech support can get my computer running."

"Me, I love vacuuming: it makes the dog next door barking mad! Works every time..."

Boss, what would you say if I told you that if you don't give me a raise, I'll go work somewhere else? I'd say "Wouldn't it be a shame if your letter of recommendation mentioned how you're an awful employee?" And I'd say "Isn't it a shame the town council has made sure this is the only cafe within fifty miles?" But the way, have you delivered my latest care packages to the council members? Very bad man.

Art Theft

"Sealed for your diets protection."

'I like Dr. Keener. He's a good loser.'

'You're being promoted to vice prez of personal energy management! You'll be the guy who goes out for coffee and donuts!'

"We have a problem. It's called the competition."

'It's a shame, there's no room in there to swing a catfish.'

Speleologist

"But I am a robot."

Fancy portrait of the gentleman who killed the greatest number of small birds. [To be hung up in all sparrow clubs]

"Easy with that computer, Martha. It senses fear."

Old man with a zimmer frame grittier

'This diet is killing me! -- Last night I dreamed that I ate Willy Wonka!'

"Before you identify the suspect, you need to confirm your identity."

"Our computers are down, so I can't look it up. If I had to guess, I would say, yes, that is fattening."

'Well, once it's won the prize for Biggest Marrow I shall expect you to replace my fence!'

"Ahhh, there's nothing like the fifteenth cup of the day."

"I should've known if we told him we were going to have him declawed he'd go out with a bang."

Corporate Coffee Co.

Ted's Bait Shop: 'Caterpillars, 10 cents per foot.'

'Wow, this is a lot better!'

Matthew Webb

I still think the anti-personnel mines are a bit over the top.

'I'm putting you on the 'Don't eat so damn much' diet.'

"On the internet you said you were tall."

"I came, I saw, I caffeinated."

'We feel that being one step ahead of the competition is no longer an adequate buffer zone.'

"It wants to know if I'm a robot...So it's come to this...my computer needs me to prove I'm a human!"