Casual Orator Pillows

'Honestly how ridiculous! It says here that men who read out snippets from the newspaper are frustrated orators!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

I'm not good with names but never forget a face. Of course, that's not very useful right now.

'She'll never look for me here.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

Infinity Tavern

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

'...Sometimes the sheer monotony of it all just gets me down.'

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

'You can't win - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but ignorance is no excuse!'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

William Pitt the Elder

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

"Dude, Amazon is so popular they named a river after it."

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

'Let there be cool.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

The Schmoozy Reaper

Just a little heads up!

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

Actually, I prefer to think of my body as repurposed.

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."

'It's true that I never fulfilled my early promise of greatness, but I DID manage to catch a lot of really outstanding TV!'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"