Casual Orator T-Shirts

'Honestly how ridiculous! It says here that men who read out snippets from the newspaper are frustrated orators!'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'She'll never look for me here.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

'...Sometimes the sheer monotony of it all just gets me down.'

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

'You can't win - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but ignorance is no excuse!'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'

William Pitt the Elder

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

'Let there be cool.'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

The Schmoozy Reaper

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

Just a little heads up!

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."

'It's true that I never fulfilled my early promise of greatness, but I DID manage to catch a lot of really outstanding TV!'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

"It's beginning to appear as if I'll never have greatness thrust upon me."

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"Well, I finally found God. ... God is really good at Trivial Pursuit."