Casual Conversationist Gifts

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

'Hold on, Bob. I'm downshifting.'

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

Snow is falling...

"This is amazing! Roughly translated, it says 'King Tut was here o.k.'"

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

The Schmoozy Reaper

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

Just a little heads up!

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

"It's beginning to appear as if I'll never have greatness thrust upon me."

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

'It's a doughnut - just eat it!'

'I drink to bring about change.'

"Oh, just cellaring. You?"

"You don't have to schedule a follow-up visit. You just come back whenever you want."

'Last night Gary put me in an impossible position.'

'Is it just me, or is it REALLY temperate in here?'

"I hate rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?"

"Round of golf or a round of drinks?"

"What if I tried again with an English accent?"

'Sam's not really a seafaring man but he can yo-ho-ho with the best of them.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

"Sorry. I was expecting the lady. I can see you're busy. I'll call sometime. We'll do lunch."

"You know why men die earlier than women? Because they can."